Have you talked to your teen about sharing images online?

A parent asked me for advice after they found their child posting suggestive photos from their bedroom, inviting anyone to join them… What would you do if this were you?

Unfortunately this scenario might be more common than we would like. The internet is central to young people’s friendships and romantic relationships, and this has both positive and negative ramifications. It’s great that our children are able to stay connected with their friends and it's completely normal and healthy for them to explore romantic relationships, especially during their teenage years. However, children are now doing this online and it’s important that as parents we are making sure they are safe. 

The Australian Centre To Counter Child Exploitation (ACCCE) warns parents of sexploitation, which is defined as “a form of online blackmail where someone tricks you into sending your sexual images then threatens to share them unless their demands are met.”

36,000 reports of child sexual exploitation were received in the 2021-22 financial year up from 18,000 in 2018. According to the ACCCE Child Protection Triage Unit this increase in cases corresponds with the increase of young people having access to the internet.

It has never been more important to discuss online safety with your child, especially if you find sensitive/personal images on their device.

If you are in a situation where you find out about sensitive/personal images of your child, think about these questions:

• Is this just flirting? (kids often think it is)
• Has your child learned about or been influenced about sex and relationships from porn? 
• Have they been exposed to essential knowledge about the potential for positive, awesome, pleasurable, consensual sexual/intimate encounters with another person?
• Are they at risk of having something non-consensual happen in a sexual experience?
• Who are they speaking to? Is the other person underage or an adult?
• Is your child aware about what might happen if they share personal images or information to other people?
• Have you discussed consent and pleasure with them?

It’s ok if you are not sure what to say to your child. Here are some things to think about and plan pre-discussion:

1. Who do you want to be the main provider of sex, sexuality, consent and respectful relationships information to your child? Hopefully the answer is YOU! If this information isn’t coming from you, your child will look to the media and pornography instead.

• “We realised we haven't talked to you enough about this…” 

• “We want you to have awesome, positive, pleasurable experiences…” 

• “Porn is fake, it's not reality and doesn’t represent how people have great experiences, especially for women…” 

• “We are here for you to ask us anything…”

 2. The young person’s/child’s privacy and embarrassment should be a top priority. Try to respect and protect them as much as possible, put yourself in their shoes and imagine what it would feel like.

Frame the discussion positively to avoid as much embarrassment as possible: 

• “it’s actually good that we know about it, we realise we need to be aware of what is happening with you so we can help you make great decisions” … 

• “it’s a good thing we know this happened, this situation gives us a chance to support you through making different choices in the future and giving you info so you have awesome experiences with intimate relationships”

3. Remind them that they are not in trouble, and stick to this. Avoid banning their games or confiscating devices. Try not to panic or get angry, this way they are more likely to tell you exactly what has been happening.

Keep in mind that what you are perceiving/is happening/has happened might be different to what actually has/hasn’t happened. Create a safe environment so your child can tell their side of the story and you can get as many facts as possible. After this discussion if you discover that nothing has happened, it’s still a teachable opportunity to have discussions about sexuality, consent, pleasure, respectful relationships and how to be safe online.

How to bring it up:

• “Mum and I want to have a chat with you about something pretty serious and important. It might be a little bit awkward but that’s okay we will all get through it. Can we allocate 30 minutes either now or later today to talk? You are not in trouble at all, but it’s definitely a chat we need to have together to make sure you and others are safe online.” 

• “We want you to be able to talk to us about relationships so that you and the people you are chatting with have great and safe experiences. Specifically, we want to talk about the benefits and risks of talking to people online, including sharing sensitive/personal images. We realise that we should have talked to you about this a while ago and we’re sorry we didn’t. Hopefully we can make up for that now.”

• “This is to keep you safe and help to make sure you don’t get into any difficulties in the future. Ultimately, it is your phone and your choice to take and send photos but we want you to be aware of the risks. However, there might be some things you haven’t realised about this situation and we want to help/support you with that.” 

Talk to your child about:

• Legal implications (distribution of child pornography)

• Ethical things to consider

• Feeling pressured or pressuring others is never ok

• The age of consent

• Digital footprint

• “Pictures on your phone or someone else’s phone are never safe. When you send a picture you can’t be sure that someone else might see it, perhaps the person you sent it to might show someone else, or someone else might see it accidentally. Worst case scenario, the other person with your picture might blackmail you or threaten to post it online where it could be shared or seen by anyone. This could impact your opportunities in the future, universities and employers might search you online before offering you a scholarship or job.”

• “Here is a great website with good information that you might want to have a look at.”

https://www.talkingthetalksexed.com.au/info-for-young-people (recommended 16+ only at parents discretion)

Implementing consequences/tough love (if needed):

• “To help keep you safe, from today you and I are going to go through your contacts on snapchat  and cull them to only people you know in real life.”

• “Your phone will no longer be in your room at night time, let’s charge it in the kitchen from 11pm until the morning until this blows over and we can make sure you are not at risk of making unsafe choices with your images anymore.”

• “No photos of our family’s bedrooms or bathrooms are to be posted ever, so let’s make a rule for all of us that there are no phones in the bathroom(s) in this house.” 

• “What do you think about these safety rules?”

• “We will be having a regular chat to check in about this frequently from now on. To respect your privacy we won’t bring it up all the time, but it’s important to check in on this to make sure you’re safe. Let’s make a time we agree upon, perhaps Wednesday’s in the car on the way to training? We can have a 5 minute conversation to check in on how you’re feeling, what we’re thinking and what we have read/learned about the issue”.

Extra resources:

My book “Talking Sex A Parent Conversation Guide” will be published on the 6th of September 2023! Here is the link to pre-order!

If you are looking for some extra help, here are some previous blogs I’ve written on how to reduce the chances of your child sexting by 50%, and harm minimisation strategies around sexting.

Here are some extra parent resources:

https://www.accce.gov.au/ - important information on sextortion PLEASE READ!!!!

https://www.esafety.gov.au/parents

https://itstimewetalked.com/parents/

https://yla.org.au/vic/topicParents | eSafety Commissioners/health-love-and-sex/sex/

https://raisingchildren.net.au/teens/communicating-relationships 

Here is a free online course you can do:

https://parents.culturereframed.org/course/parents-of-teens/ 

A podcast on conversation starters:

https://www.talkingthetalksexed.com.au/blog/talking-the-talk-healthy-conversations-episode-16